Ten Instructions You Didn’t Ask For

Friday again, which means it’s time to receive a list of tasks you didn’t request and probably won’t complete. Ten missions, assembled with something like care. Finish all of them before Monday and you can call yourself a winner.

Pick a fight with some enthusiastically horny feminists and their extended families—they’ve earned it. Follow 50 Cent on Twitter, where he is currently conducting a sustained one-man war against the entire world, including his grandmother, and has genuinely never been in better form. Properly celebrate your fat cat’s birthday—not a quick acknowledgment, the full ceremony it deserves. Add a little antifreeze to cheap supermarket wine and enjoy the color show; the evening plans itself from there. Make a bet with your friends about who loses their virginity before prom. The smart money is on Lube-Larry. It’s always Lube-Larry.

Build a physical shrine to Bill Murray and spend ten minutes each morning in sincere devotion before it. Become Harry Potter’s best friend, bearing in mind that his parents are very, very dead and he could use the company. Call the Love Parade hotline and ask exactly when David Guetta is going on, because summer vacation doesn’t last forever and you have places to be. Run screaming into the street and digivolve to Devimon. Do something with cheese.