Ten Things, Most of Them Achievable

September used to arrive with a checklist. The American fall TV season starting up again meant stocking the apartment with chips and Coke and letting The Pirate Bay handle logistics: new episodes of The Simpsons, Family Guy, How I Met Your Mother, The Big Bang Theory, Glee. A reliable calendar, when everything else about the season was just the weather getting worse.

A few further suggestions for the days left over. Download the The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time soundtrack—it’s free, it’s there, and you won’t make it through the Kokiri Forest theme without losing something. Cut your fruit juice with sparkling water. You won’t actually get healthier, but you’ll feel like you’re trying, which is approximately half the value of any healthy habit. Wear sunglasses in autumn. Always. It projects an inner calm that has nothing to do with the sun.

Stop at the last possible second during sex, pull out, and announce to the room that this semen is not available in her vagina. Become a firefighter—you always wanted to. Download Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone illegally, watch it all the way through, then walk yourself down to the nearest police station, weeping.

Sasha Grey remains undeflowered. The new album—whatever album, by whoever—probably sucks.