Ten Missions, Easy Mode

Readers have been writing in to complain that the missions are too hard. Nobody can do them. You’d need to be a demigod. One person submitted feedback phrased entirely in sexual metaphors involving maternal anatomy. They have a point. So this week I’ve lowered the difficulty significantly. Kidding. I’ve lowered nothing.

One: turn off the internet at home this weekend and wait for CNN to explain to you what’s happening in the world. Award bonus points for every civilian casualty mentioned between car insurance commercials. Two: get in the bathtub with someone and enjoy water sex, clean toes, and the mild ecological guilt of two people sharing a drain. Three: listen to Chocolate Rain again. Still a masterpiece. Four: fool a blogger. That’s how fortunes are made these days, apparently.

Five: skip the cocaine this weekend—speed is, by all reliable accounts, significantly more fun. Lemmy said so, and Lemmy was right about everything. Six: watch all ten seasons of Friends back to back. You’ll emerge not knowing up from down, but that’s the laugh track’s fault, not yours. Seven: download the Dave Sitek remix of Lykke Li’s I Follow Rivers—it was free on The Fader and worth every penny of that price. Eight: donate twenty euros to an actual charity. I mean it. Not to a blogger. A real charity.