Everything You Were Going to Do Anyway
Somewhere in Florida, a school called the police because two twelve-year-olds kissed on the playground. Someone filed a report. An officer responded. The paperwork exists in a filing cabinet somewhere, describing a kiss. Close the tab before the rage turns into anything useful and move on to the rest of the weekend.
Find a SNES and play The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past wrong—as wrong as possible. Wrong warps, out-of-bounds movement, sequence breaks that dump you into the endgame with almost nothing. The designers built a perfect puzzle box and people have spent fifteen years gleefully destroying it.
Look up Kenza Zouiten—Swedish fashion blogger, enormous following, still openly a Tokio Hotel fan in 2011—and write her a letter. She doesn’t need it. That’s beside the point.
There’s a photo of Megan Fox from 2005—before the franchise years and the image management, before whoever she became on the other side of all that—that still does exactly what it did when you first saw it. Pull it up. Handle your business. The current version is fine. The 2005 version is better.
Round up some friends and perform Rebecca Black’s Friday in the street, with the featured rapper and everything. This is funnier than you think it’s going to be.
Whatever music rights organization governs your country has spent years blocking videos you actually want to watch on a Friday night. The reason is always licensing. The result is always the same: you watch something else. Send them a photo of your crying brother who just wanted to hear the new Rihanna single. They will not reply.
Proposal: compress Christmas, New Year’s, and Easter into this weekend. Do all three back to back, tick every box, and spend the remaining months of the year doing something worthwhile—specifically video games and pornography.
Bag up the humiliating t-shirts, the ones you’ve kept for reasons that don’t survive scrutiny, and donate them. Somewhere down the line, a news segment about poverty will pan across a child wearing the exact one. You’ll feel something about that and there will be nowhere to put the feeling.
Buy a goldfish. If it grants wishes, so much the better.