Nine Hours, Fifty-Eight Minutes

Masanobu Sato holds the world record for the longest continuous masturbation session: nine hours and fifty-eight minutes, set at the 2009 Masturbate-a-Thon in San Francisco. I want to be clear that I mean this as genuine admiration. Not everyone finds their calling in life, and far fewer pursue it with this degree of discipline and stamina. Nine hours and fifty-eight minutes is longer than most transatlantic flights. Longer than a double feature. Longer than a marathon by several hours. It requires focus, endurance, a very specific relationship with one’s own body, and—one imagines—a mental fortitude that most professional athletes would find quietly humbling if they allowed themselves to think about it. The King of Wankers. I use that title with all the respect it deserves, which is considerable.