While the Office Is Empty

It’s Easter, the office is deserted, the beer is cold, and there’s a conference room that has been conspicuously quiet all morning. Which makes this the ideal moment to deploy a set of assignments. Not suggestions. Assignments.

One: go to Andreas’s apartment—the one everyone knows is a psychopath—and rearrange his furniture. Not dramatically, just enough. Update your will first. Two: stop turning around after people who’ve already passed you. Some people only hold up from behind. Three: beat the standing Nyan Cat record of two and a half hours. Yes, it’s a real record, and yes, it needs to fall. Four: explore botanosexuality. Every journey begins somewhere. Five: be more Bender. Your mother will thank you, and she’s right.

Six: listen to Uffie’s cover of "Wordy Rappinghood." Seven: listen to Santigold’s "Go." Eight: decide which one you’d put on cassette and actually mail to your grandmother. Nine: rent Liechtenstein—the whole country. It was listed at €47,999 a night, which is somehow both insane and not obviously unreasonable. Ten: sleep with your best friend’s mother. Ethically murky, sure, but the life soap opera has gone flat and somebody has to do something about it.

Ten missions. One long weekend. The conference room is flooded and the sun is out. Time to go.