Ten Things to Do Before Monday

The weekend is a door that opens and then closes before you’ve figured out what to do with it. Herewith, some options.

Subsist on nothing but chicken nuggets until you collapse in public and make the national papers. Write Twitter a strongly worded email about censorship and then tweet about the email, which is the correct and proportionate response to all injustice. Finally buy that Nintendo 3DS before Mario and Luigi take it personally. Shop exclusively at Urban Outfitters and experience the bracing revelation of looking exactly like every other uniquely individual person in the building.

For the more ambitious: dig out magazines from when Rachel Stevens was at her absolute hottest and jerk off to them for a while. Deserved. Leave the church, start your own cult—mass orgies, ritual sacrifice, something with candles; I’ll bring the beer. Try the tampon alternative. Yes, even with a penis; it’s a growth experience. Sell your opinions on eBay for pocket change and complete your transformation into the soulless consumer that daytime television always knew you could be. And if none of that fills the hole: lick your sister. It’s a free country.