The Money Diet

I’m pretty sure the international society of couch-bound slobs voted me their president. I don’t exercise. I eat like someone who’s completely given up. I’d probably spend weeks fused to my sofa if I wasn’t vaguely afraid of what would happen after.

Since I’m clearly not alone in my commitment to declining everything about wellness culture, someone has to keep trying. IBM, of all companies, just patented a system that supposedly wants to change all this. They’re offering to pay you to eat better. Not points, not app credits, not some corporate loyalty scheme—actual money.

The idea is straightforward. The system recognizes what you’re eating. Grab an apple, you get bonus points. Grab a chocolate muffin buried in frosting, you get nothing. Somehow it even catches you if you cheat—if you throw your vegetables in the trash and pretend you ate them. Each month, you cash out your bonus points for real cash.

The whole thing is absurd in that particularly tone-deaf way that only a giant tech corporation can manage. But here’s the actual question, the one I’m stuck on: Would I do it? Would I trade my hamburgers and fried cheese and whatever else for money? I think maybe for the first week. Then I’m back to my old life, lighter wallet, same habits.