Ten Little Missions

The sad animals on the internet—the confused dogs, the bewildered cats, the ones that have simply stopped understanding the world—deserve real comfort. Not a scroll-past. An actual feeling. A small mental kiss on the forehead. That’s mission two. The deal is simple: complete as many of the ten as possible before Monday, karma climbs, better-looking people want to fuck you. Nothing else matters in this life.

Push for marijuana legalization in your state. California decriminalized and youth crime just dropped to a record low—which should be on every politician’s desk. Figure out your own tactics. Buy a few things from Yoko Ono’s men’s fashion line and wear them in public without explanation. If you run into someone with exactly your first name today, hand them a euro and keep moving. Don’t say why. And go to Luxembourg sometime before the year ends. Nobody ever does. That’s the whole reason.

Post a topless GIF of yourself on Tumblr. Arvida Byström—Swedish photographer, model, general force of defiance—has been doing it with such easy casualness that everyone else looks scared of their own body, and she’s right. Also: pack five bags. Sandwiches, cola, a beer, some cash. Hand them to five homeless people you can see with your actual eyes, on an actual street, in the actual cold. Not a donation link. The street.

Pull up a Lindsay Lohan upskirt photo and spend sixty honest seconds with whatever the feelings are. Don’t rush it.

Flash a Palestinian and an Israeli simultaneously, convince them they’ve always been one people, erase the border. Done. And last: get matching tattoos with your best friend. Hearts, trees, drunk Care Bears in various states of celebration—the whole range is available.