Ten Suggestions for a Sunday Already Half-Gone

It’s Sunday and half the weekend is already gone and here we are. Ten missions. Go.

Press a fake diamond into the palm of a stranger on the street. Lean close and whisper that they’re coming and you’re running out of time and they need to find a man named Klief before it’s over for all of us. Then run. Extra points if you have a smoke bomb for the exit. Hong Kong billionaire Cecil Chao made international news this week by offering forty million dollars to any man who successfully marries his daughter—who is, as it happens, a lesbian in a committed long-term relationship. You could attempt to collect. Alternatively, sit with what it must feel like to have a father who puts a price on who you are. Then go buy a puppy. No, seriously—they are so stupidly, unreasonably soft.

A study found that historical eunuchs lived measurably longer than intact men. I’ll leave you to work out whether that’s a deal worth taking. A separate experiment: go alone to a five-star restaurant, order three courses, eat every bite slowly and in silence, go to the bathroom and throw it all up, come back, order three more. See what you learn about yourself. Also: some horse being passed around online this week is objectively better-looking than you. It’s significant. Acknowledge it.

Attend a colleague’s house party wearing a black ski mask. Bring wine. Don’t explain. Make small talk about the weather and whether anyone’s watched anything good lately. And finally—fall in love with the Taiwanese model who goes by U, Kaneshiro Takeshi’s niece, who just made her Japanese debut. Rename yourself M. Build a family. Name the children O, Z, Y. Out of everything on this list, it’s the only mission actually worth attempting.