Ten Small Missions. And Bring a Scarf.
Space Night is dead—pulled off Bavarian public television this week because GEMA, Germany’s music licensing body, decided the ambient synthesizer music drifting under orbital Earth footage was worth fighting over. That show was broadcasting late nights for a decade, and it is the real reason people showed up exhausted to school, university, and the unemployment office every Monday. Not the drugs. Not the alcohol. Not the sex. The show. Complaint letter to GEMA: that’s mission one. Make it long. Make it specific.
Mission two: find a BuzzFeed listicle of facial expressions to make at people you dislike, pick one, and commit to it for the entire weekend. My personal recommendations are "The Shocked You’re Still Alive," "Still Not Impressed," and "Get Gone, Devil Bitch." No breaking character. Mission three: do something genuinely charitable and sleep with someone three leagues below your station. Your karma ledger is a disaster and this is the fastest available correction. Mission four: eat chunky peanut butter straight from the jar with a spoon. Not smooth. Chunky. Non-negotiable. Mission five: clean your roommates’ rooms—all of them—and leave a formal itemized invoice on each gleaming desk.
Mission six: record a short video for Georgina, the one currently being humiliated on a jungle survival show, and tell her you believe in her and want her to get everything she’s hoping for. Nobody else will do this. Not even her family. Mission seven: if you’re disappearing for the whole weekend, turn your alarm off before you leave. Your neighbors are not your assistant. Mission eight: buy one of those elementary school prank books and deploy it on your actual adult friends—whoopee cushion, bucket above the door, toothpaste under every handle. Yes. Do it. Mission nine: print business cards with your shy friend Harald’s name, a photo, his number, and his penis size, then distribute them at whatever party you end up at. Drunk women with daddy issues call at four in the morning. Maybe. Probably. You’re doing him a favor.
It’s cold outside. Wear the scarf.