The Art of Wasting January

Jennifer Lawrence was everywhere in late 2012, and she deserved to be. Read a single interview with that woman—she says exactly what she thinks, unprompted, with no apparent awareness that famous people aren’t supposed to do that. I don’t know how anyone resists falling for her.

Scarlett Johansson was doing Cat on a Hot Tin Roof on Broadway—the kind of casting decision that makes you reassess your priorities, especially if you happened to be anywhere near New York.

January is also the right time to throw out everything useless that arrived at Christmas: the greeting cards from people you see twice a year, the gifts that came with receipts and went straight to the back of a shelf. Leave them outside a neighbor’s door. Maybe she’ll want them. Probably not. Either way, problem solved.

The masturbation mission: off hand only. If that’s already trivial, go fully mental—pure imagination, no physical input. Concentration is a transferable skill and this is as good a way to practice it as any.

Piss on things the way a dog does—claim territory, make your presence obvious. Sit by the window with snacks and watch the neighbor who apparently can’t afford curtains, or simply doesn’t want them. All day, no agenda. Then either start a travel blog so strangers can resent you from a distance, or start a food blog so they can resent you while hungry. And whatever happens, avoid chips flavored like processed meat. There is a line between curiosity and self-punishment, and that chip is the line.