Nobody asked for the introduction
Krautchan, for the uninitiated, is Germany’s answer to 4chan: a chan board populated by military conscripts, truants, and people who watch reality television without irony, all going by the name "Bernd" so none of them have to feel quite so alone. Someone posted a thread about this blog there, asking whether I could "deliver"—a phrase I’ve chosen not to examine too closely—and the practical upshot was that strangers started sending photographs of their penises to my inbox.
I want to be clear: I have nothing against the penis as a concept. Genuinely fine piece of engineering, wide range of valid configurations, objectively interesting in the right context.
The right context is not an unsolicited jpeg from someone I’ve never spoken to, sent apparently under the impression that the raw visual of his equipment will produce in me some immediate overwhelming desire. It won’t. What it produces is a group forward to my entire social circle, followed by a running commentary. "Sticky ball hair." "Micropenis." "That man should see a doctor." These are the diplomatic reviews.
What baffles me is the psychology underneath it. These guys have apparently concluded that arousal is a universal stimulus—that sending a stranger a picture of your dick works the way a photo of food makes you hungry, regardless of context or relationship. It doesn’t. For me, a cock only becomes interesting when it belongs to someone I already like—someone who’s made me laugh, or think, or want to be in the same room. The image alone, detached from all of that, is just data. Unpleasant data, generally accompanied by evidence of a Windows 98 desktop and some concerning personal grooming decisions.
The emails, complete with sender names and addresses, go directly into the group chat. The laughter is audible from across the apartment. So: Krautchan users, out. Dick pic senders, out. Everyone currently composing a lengthy introductory message as an alternative strategy—also out. Keep it in your pants, or find someone who specifically asked.