A Tutorial Nobody Asked For

Apparently there are people who need to be taught how to masturbate. I find this hard to believe, but the internet has made a fairly convincing case. The instructional video going around at the time walked viewers through the full process with the calm, methodical energy of a cooking tutorial—complete with unnecessary equipment and a completely straight face. Whether you call it polishing the bishop, choking the chicken, ringing your own bell, or just quietly handling business, the video covered all bases. Thoroughly. Repeatedly. With props.

The joke works because the form is perfect: that specific tutorial-video register, the over-explaining, the earnest demonstrations, all applied to something so elementary that explaining it at all becomes the punchline. Total commitment, escalating past the point of reason, never breaking. I watched it more than once. I am not embarrassed about this.