Every Other Account Is a Waste of Storage

Rihanna’s Instagram exists to make everything else on the platform feel like a waste of pixels. The breakfast photos, the sunset worship, the baby animals doing baby animal things—all fine, all forgettable. Then badgalriri shows up and the scroll just stops.

It isn’t that I analyze it. It’s that the combination of that body and that look and whatever she’s doing with her expression bypasses the critical faculty entirely. The sneakers alone. I stared at one photo for an embarrassing amount of time and the only coherent thought I could form was that I wanted to sit on her face and ask her to make me famous. Not a plan. I stand by the impulse.

Follow the account or delete the app. There is no middle ground here.