Finally, a Reason to Open the App

Instagram had been testing my patience for a while. Filtered breakfasts, filtered coffee cups on windowsills, filtered feet at the beach—an endless parade of aestheticized life presented with the solemnity of fine art. I endured it because everyone was on it and opting out felt like more of a statement than I wanted to make.

Then Kate Upton joined, and I understood the platform’s entire reason for existing. The account was new and barely populated, but I’d already counted something in the region of twenty individual breasts and felt a warmth toward the internet that I hadn’t experienced in months. All the latte art in the world is a reasonable price for this. I followed immediately and felt nothing resembling shame.