Marcel Winatschek

Coolest Person Alive, Still

Just because she’s pregnant—not by me, which remains a private tragedy—doesn’t mean I’ve stopped being completely gone for Scarlett Johansson. She’s on the cover of Dazed & Confused right now, shot for a piece around Under the Skin, wearing Wolford, Saint Laurent, and Levi’s 501s. She looks like the coolest person on earth. She probably is the coolest person on earth.

My entire plan, if I ever actually met her, would be to walk over, stammer something barely coherent about how impressive she is, and then immediately excuse myself to go play Pokémon online. She’d be well within her rights to hit me for that. I’d deserve it.