The App That Remembers Your Sins

Remember the notebook? The one where you scrawled, with your heart pounding, that you got under someone’s shirt at thirteen, into someone’s underwear at sixteen, and—through some combination of luck and spectacularly poor judgment—managed both Berger sisters simultaneously at nineteen? Forget paper, pens, and the unreliable mercy of your own memory. There’s an app for this now. Of course there is.

It’s called Nipple, which is the correct name for it. After an encounter—more or less successful, more or less advisable—you log everything: names, ages, what happened and where and how, whether drugs were involved, whether fruit was involved, whether handcuffs were involved, how many times anyone finished. The level of granularity is either impressive or alarming depending on how you feel about your own history sitting on a server somewhere.

My best guess is that Nipple is an NSA front operation, a data collection project disguised as a sex diary, designed to illuminate the erotic preferences of persons of interest in forensic detail. But if that doesn’t bother you, it does offer something genuinely useful: the next time you run into someone you slept with twelve years ago and cannot for the life of you remember their name, you’ll have receipts.