The Six-Layer Argument Against Restraint

Somewhere around week two of telling myself I was eating better—steamed fish, green beans, a quiet pride in my own discipline—Boston Pizza announced a six-layer pizza cake and the whole project collapsed.

The Canadian chain actually called it a pizza cake. Six full layers of pizza stacked into cake form, bonded by what I have to assume is more cheese between each tier, photographed in a way that makes rational thought difficult. I didn’t need to know the calorie count. I could feel it from across the screen.

Food like this isn’t really food—it’s a dare, a novelty item that exists to be photographed and forwarded to people who are currently attempting virtue. It works perfectly. I thought about nothing else for the rest of the day.