Wrecking Ballz: The Inevitable Has Arrived

Nobody was surprised. Everyone who watched Miley Cyrus ride that wrecking ball naked while maintaining sustained eye contact with a sledgehammer understood, on some deep cellular level, that the porn parody was already being cast. The only question was timeline. The answer, as of early 2014, is now. It’s called Wrecking Ballz, which at least demonstrates minimum creative effort.

Before you go digging out the body lotion: the actual Hannah Montana is not involved. The starring role belongs to a performer named Miley May, who is apparently similar enough to serve the purposes of whoever needs this to work. There are also lookalikes for Beyoncé, Justin Bieber, and Robin Thicke, which raises several logistical and philosophical questions I choose not to pursue. The trailer was circulating on Vice and delivered the predictable extended tongue sequences, strange wigs, and elbows deployed in ways that strongly imply certain activities without technically showing them.

Is it the one you wanted? Almost certainly not. Does it exist? Absolutely. The internet keeps every promise it makes, eventually.