The Airtight Scientific Case Against Women in Tech

So you’re a girl and you want to learn to code. Forget it. Why? Because you have breasts. That’s right—you heard correctly. Coding requires concentration, and breasts, as every serious person in the industry understands, are distracting. Especially your own. You just want to look at them all day. Touch them. Lick them. Left breast first, then the right. Or whichever order feels right in the moment.

Where were we? Right. Code. There’s Swift. And JavaScript. And SQL. And C++. And Python. And PHP. And Ruby on Rails. But honestly, none of it matters, because how do you absorb a programming language when you’re too busy staring at your own chest? And that’s before we even get to your special days—the ones that make you emotionally unstable and generally incompatible with the exciting lifestyle of a serious programmer.

So there it is: girls can’t code because they can’t see past their own breasts, because they’re too emotional, and because of various other physiological phenomena fundamentally at odds with keyboards. For more information on why coding is simply not for girls, see: Girls Who Code.