Pure Gold
Everyone talks about hate comments like they’re a wound. I’ve never understood that. Read one aloud—really commit to it, voice and all, imagining the specific person who typed it word by word, read it back, and hit send with complete sincerity—and it becomes something close to performance art. I’ve been collecting these for years. Here are ten of the finest.
Stefan writes: Among the pages I follow, there are some that are genuinely, truly, extremely embarrassing—like, actually embarrassing, completely embarrassing. But you have redefined embarrassment in its entirety. You are the reptilians of gutter journalism, the accident nobody can look away from, paired with exemplary sentence construction. Two questions that remain open to me after every post here, and will probably never be answered with the seriousness they deserve: do you list this journal on your résumé when applying for a real job after your journalism career ends? And: are there actually any articles here that were written without being under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs? Either way—keep it up, truly magnificent stuff!
Natalie writes: This is the biggest shit I’ve read this week. Are you all stupid? Grow up, sweetheart! And give your writing some meaning. The text is unbearably dull. No amount of fucking, cocaine, or working-class breakfast will fix it. What overblown hipster nonsense. This place titles things like a small-time pubescent wannabe swimming-against-the-current online magazine. Probably because that’s exactly what it is. Hollow airhead noise, nothing more.
Robin writes: You are genuinely the hardest victim I have ever seen. I was born in Berlin and have lived here my whole life, and people like you are why the city is so fucked—even if you’ve managed to capture that fairly well. My advice: you leave. Berlin isn’t yours. You’re a transplant, and you don’t have the standing, as far as I’m concerned, to call yourself a Berliner—which you probably do anyway, even though you moved here from some godforsaken backwater. You’re probably the first one vomiting in the street at night, but you’re a good example of what the city does to people like you—unlimited possibility apparently isn’t good for everyone. Please fuck off.
Cassandra writes: This is the most embarrassing thing I have read in my life and I wish I hadn’t. You naive, baseless, arrogant, sad excuse for a human being. Your horizons apparently don’t extend past your filthy bedroom. You underexposed junkie faces should just keep your mouths shut. This has sunk to the same working-class trash level as Vice. My god, you’re all completely wanked-out. Simply disgusting, pseudo-scribbler garbage. Thank god I grew up.
Vince writes: So ridiculous. Fucking hippies, students, and antisocials, piss off already. The comments on your moronic articles are always far more intelligent and entertaining than anything you’ve written combined. You should found a city where you put all the stupid people—meaning yourselves—and then you can party there in peace and die. Stick your noses less into white powder and go back to school and do a drug program. Then you might still have a chance at a normal life without one-night stands and fake friends. How sad that you treat your readers like they’re this stupid.
Sara writes: Unfortunately your articles are just a shame. I’m sure you love being reduced to your nerd identity too. Or to the fact that you’re into underage tits—for the record, nobody buys your feminist position, because your actions and your words argue against it. Whether you mean well or badly isn’t even up for debate, but tit content and a few jokes you can laugh at point in exactly the opposite direction from what you just wrote. That’s irritating too. You can of course say you don’t care what you’re reduced to. But that’s precisely the problem in our society. I’m grateful to every woman who makes herself the unpopular troublemaker, just so I can strap on a plastic penis and piss in a street corner like any guy.
Valerie writes: Oh my god, how bad this all is. I would love to leave a massively stupid comment, but since every comment here is already massively stupid, it wouldn’t be anything special. Starting with an ultra-stupid article. No matter how bad your articles are, the comments hit even more clichés. Rarely have I seen such brainless, phlegm-spat shit. Your gutter texts should be banned. Fuck off, nobody misses you. And don’t let me catch you, you dumb cunt. I’d better not say another word—every further word is pure waste.
Christian writes: This is what happens when confused brats strain to have serious thoughts. It’s a shame about the blog, actually. Instead of getting wiser and more grown-up over the years, it heads steadily toward irrelevance. Who actually gives this place money? Nobody can seriously like this stuff. Hopefully this project crashes hard soon and you all go unemployed. I haven’t read shit like this in a long time. How stupid and embarrassing do you have to be to publish something like this? Let’s just hope you find your way back to the hole you crawled out of, you little attention-seeking bitch.
Ephra writes: Sure, we fuck every day with three different people. I myself fuck people I’ve known for five minutes every two weeks. It was never this simple—just bring everything up immediately and find somewhere to get a quick one in. I always tell the horse story, and the sympathy angle always works. My favorite is not fucking for too long and getting out fast. Three to five minutes is enough for fucking. The main thing is you don’t have to do it yourself and you can tell people which top model you’ve already had. That’s just how it is: approach, fuck, leave. Nobody has a problem with it. I find someone to fuck every two or three days. Of course they’re also fucking others, but who cares, the main thing is you got fucked. Fucking is something beautiful. You idiots.
Denise writes: Why can’t you just go hang yourselves? That would genuinely make us all very happy. Berlin is ugly, stinks, and is full of people whose main topic is Berlin. Effective anti-advertisement on two levels. Boasting about knowing your dealers by first name, being proud of a spot on a guestlist, and sleeping with underage girls from terrible clubs—these are not signs of high intellect. Your articles are nothing but a cry for help at this point. Go visit your grandparents or your family sometime. THAT is what’s actually important.