Serdar for Chancellor: Die Partei’s Platform Is the Most Honest Document in This Election
German rapper Nilo Destino, along with his collaborator Zwiebo, filmed a rap video in Berlin’s Kreuzberg to announce something the doubters needed to hear: Serdar Somuncu should be Germany’s next chancellor. Somuncu—a Turkish-German comedian who built his reputation reading Mein Kampf on stage to expose its rhetorical emptiness—was running under the banner of Die Partei, the satirical political outfit that somehow keeps winning actual seats in the European Parliament while the mainstream parties argue about the furniture.
The video is a press-conference disruption. Nilo and Zwiebo show up with their boss and proceed to make the case by force of personality alone. All the doubters, critics, and haters are addressed and dismissed in sequence. The logic is airtight because it doesn’t pretend to be logic.
The platform is worth reading on its own terms. Die Partei demands the enforcement of universal total justice—at least twice as much justice as the SPD, the center-left party that has been promising social democracy since approximately forever. Complaints about alleged injustices are to be suppressed by any means necessary. To underscore society’s commitment to fairness, Hamburger SV will henceforth be relegated every season, wherever that may lead them. The cosmos demands it.
On family policy: MILF money instead of Cougar pension. The party wants to protect and support younger mothers, and it’s not going to be coy about the language. Animal testing is to be abolished immediately, since animals exist to be found cute and then eaten. Lipgloss, ass makeup, organic jam, and pharmaceutical cocktails should from now on be tested on elite athletes—who are used to all manner of substances anyway—or alternatively on Bibi, a German YouTube beauty influencer with an audience of millions who presumably needs the content.
The joke, if there is one, is that the platform reads cleaner and more honest than anything coming out of the established parties. The satire has a floor it won’t go below: actual conviction. Die Partei wants universal justice and says so directly, then immediately parodies the language of enforcement. It’s a more truthful document than most manifestos, because it admits what all manifestos are—performance with pretensions to policy.