The Softest Thing in My Feed

My Instagram is, in full honesty, mainly a parade of women presenting their bodies in ways that do approximately what my father’s Playboy used to do when I was a kid—when I’d steal it from the drawer of his secretary desk (the piece of furniture, not the person) whenever I had a window of opportunity.

Between all those barely-covered breasts and underwear shots, though, a hedgehog materialized. His name is Azuki, and he might be the most genuinely delightful thing I’ve ever laid eyes on—setting aside my ex-girlfriend’s pale pink nipples, maybe, but that’s a different drawer entirely.

Azuki has over 300,000 followers now, dresses in full seasonal kit—scarves, miniature hats, the works—and chews worms and insects with the satisfied grin of someone who has figured out what matters. He’s done a collaboration with Asics, posing in athletic gear with the energy of someone who takes his personal brand seriously. Which, given the follower count, he absolutely should.

I can’t keep an Ikea bamboo alive. An actual animal is completely beyond my current capacity—anything requiring more attention than a tomato quietly dying in the back of a shared fridge is out. But I don’t need one. As long as Azuki keeps doing his little fashion shows, swinging on his tiny swing, camping in what appears to be a to-scale tent—I’m covered. He occupies a specific slot in my feed that no amount of lingerie photography can fill. Didn’t expect that. Here we are.