I Would Be Squidward

SpongeBob SquarePants is one of those childhood icons who would, in practice, be completely insufferable. I used to envy him his relentless optimism. Now, thinking about it honestly, I’ve become Squidward entirely—I would have buried that cheerful yellow square somewhere in the backyard years ago, Patrick Star right beside him, just on principle.

For everyone who can still access the nostalgia without the accompanying irritation, Vans and Nickelodeon put out a full SpongeBob collaboration—sneakers, shirts, skate decks, the complete package. The designs were more considered than licensed merch usually manages: recognizable characters worn lightly, without the garish overkill that normally makes this kind of thing unwearable past age twelve.

It wasn’t strictly for hardcore fans, and that’s what made it work. There’s something about the Bikini Bottom aesthetic—the primary colors, the cartoonish geometry—that translates surprisingly well onto canvas shoes. And if you can pull off a pair of SpongeBob Vans without a trace of irony, honestly, I respect that more than I probably should.