A Weekend Agenda for the Restless and Mildly Deranged

Friday arrived and the weekend had no structure, which is either freedom or a small crisis depending on the hour. Here’s what I came up with.

Eat only pizza. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, 2am after the bar or instead of the bar. Topping selection remains open. This is not a diet; it’s a philosophical position. Watch all of Friends in one sitting—I’ve done this, and it ends with a sensation that’s less grief than nostalgia and more nostalgia than anyone is prepared for; there’s a specific ache involved, something about that apartment in that particular New York, and it doesn’t go anywhere useful. Look up the video of Cem Özdemir, former co-leader of Germany’s Green Party, finally losing his legendary composure at the AfD in Bundestag—a man holding his tongue for approximately a decade, and then not. Deeply satisfying regardless of your politics. Masturbate. This is on the list. It doesn’t need more argument than that.

Buy whatever red wine the corner shop sells at the absolute floor of its pricing. Drink all of it. Then leave and walk somewhere without deciding where, and don’t go home until the city feels like yours again. Don’t vomit. Obtain a Super Nintendo and attempt to complete Super Mario World in under a minute, as someone recently managed through a glitch sequence so precise it barely qualifies as playing the game. The probability of success is essentially zero. Sit with the idea of emigrating to Sweden. Not committing to it—just letting it breathe for an afternoon.

Organize a reunion of all your exes. Give out awards. Suggested categories: best sex, biggest mistake, aged worst. Make trophies if you have the time. Get a dog, dress it in the same clothes you’re wearing, go everywhere together from now on, become city-famous for this specific reason. I keep not doing it and I think about it more than I should. And last: take off your clothes, stand in front of a mirror, and say something actually kind to whatever you see. Mean it. Whether it does anything or not, it’s at least more honest than everything else on this list.