A Weekend Agenda for the Unhinged

The weekend hasn’t started and you’re already bored. Fine. Here’s what you do.

Print out your Tinder profile and paper the city with it—lampposts, subway cars, wherever. Someone has to see it. While you’re out, stop by a supermarket and yodel. Not ironically. Full commitment, full volume. A kid did it in a Walmart in 2018 and landed a Hank Williams song on Spotify’s charts, so there’s a precedent. Keep the momentum going: sleep with exactly three different people named Andrea. All three, in sequence if necessary. At some point, sprinkle cocoa powder into your next joint. Everything tastes better with a mild chocolatey undertone.

Invite the parents of your very first partner to dinner. Talk about love, God, the general state of things. Sell every Bitcoin you own and sink the proceeds into the dumbest idea your younger sibling has ever had. Spend the rest of the day telling everyone you meet that it’s your birthday—some of them will hand you food, money, or drugs, all of which are useful. Propose to every person you encounter for the remainder of the afternoon and marry whoever says yes first. No hesitation, no second thoughts.

And then this one, which deserves its own paragraph: contact every ex you’ve ever had and request plaster casts of their genitals, which you will then have professionally fabricated into a personalized collection of sex toys. Line them up. Finally know, with empirical certainty, which one was the optimal fit. Science.

Buy a cat.