A Loose Agenda for April 20th

Some weekends deserve a plan. Not a real plan—nothing with a schedule or a sober intention—but a list of small, useless commitments that give the days some shape. Here is mine for this particular Friday and the two days that follow it.

Walk everywhere. To the bar, the corner store, the stranger’s apartment you end up in because a text went to the wrong thread and somehow it became a thing anyway. No transit, no rideshares. Legs only. Buy a lizard and take it for a walk—not as a bit, as a genuine attempt. An actual reptile on an actual leash, moving at whatever pace lizards find acceptable. Go to McDonald’s and order exclusively the side salad. Sit at the most crowded table available and eat it with total seriousness while the people around you work through their quarter-pounders.

Begin every conversation with a Bible quote and end every conversation with a different Bible quote. Memorize a random Wikipedia article—any article, the more useless the better—and find somewhere to deploy it. Tell the worst joke in your arsenal to the most offendable person in the room. Swap lives with whoever looks most like you, and if the new life is an improvement, defend it at all costs. Fuck the ugliest person at the party. That one gets its own sentence.

And then—most importantly—today is April 20th. You know what that means. If it doesn’t have hemp in it, it has no place in this weekend.