Marcel Winatschek

Fourteen Centimeters of Fatherland

The black-red-gold dildo exists. Fourteen centimeters of German-flag-colored silicone, available for under ten euros—a product that says exactly what it means and means exactly what it says.

The target buyer is not hard to picture. German flag above the sofa. Studied detours around the döner place on the corner, out of what he calls principle. Nightmares about the wrong kind of people arriving at the borders. For this person, someone has now produced the ideal masturbation device: a cock-shaped object in the colors of the national flag, so he can finally feel the weight of kaisers, kings, and proud medieval warriors moving through him in a deeply personal way. The Fatherland, fucking back. Available online for under ten euros.

There’s something almost philosophically complete about this. You want to be screwed by your own country—here it is, in the correct colors, at a reasonable price point. The political metaphor doesn’t just write itself; it arrives pre-lubricated.