Official Science Confirms: Vaping Makes You Unfuckable

There are still people who genuinely believe vaping is cool. They walk through shopping streets trailing enormous clouds of artificial watermelon or mint or popcorn, electronic dildo clamped between their lips, feeling superior to regular smokers for having committed to something somehow even more idiotic. I’ve never been able to explain the appeal and I’ve stopped trying.

Now the authorities have weighed in. The German comedy collective Bohemian Browser Ballett—sharp satirists who’ve spent years skewering internet culture—produced a video presenting the findings of a fictional Ministry of Health. The findings are conclusive. A very authoritative male voice asks: Is vaping really as harmless as everyone claims? Then answers itself immediately: No. Using an e-cigarette reduces your attractiveness by more than 60 percent. The consequences are loneliness, isolation, and sexual frustration.

Obviously this study is completely real and scientifically rigorous. Probably. At minimum it’s more honest than any actual vaping marketing. If you have friends who spend their days disappearing into their own clouds and feeling smug about it, send them the video. It won’t work. People who have decided that a handheld fog machine makes them interesting are not typically accessible to evidence. But at least they’ll have a diagnosis.