A Single Moment
Sometimes all it takes is a single instant, a moment, even the tiniest thought—and suddenly I’m falling again. Just a second ago I was laughing, content with my life because, for once, something had finally worked out the way I had always wished it would, or at least I had no reason, for a change, to hate the world and every single person in it. And then, a second later, I plunge back into the same old, worn-out abyss from which it becomes a little harder to climb out every time.
Then there seems to be no gray, no gradations. Only black and white. I am either saturated with the pure joy of eternal existence, or nothing has any meaning and it would be better if I disappeared from the face of the earth right here and now, because then I wouldn’t have to think anymore about why, for God’s sake, everything was shit again—even though just a few minutes ago it had been going so well. There is nothing in between. No rope, no safety net. I either soar or I crash.
What I had just considered secure, good, and immune to negative thoughts is suddenly put back on trial. I start to brood. To doubt. To question everything I had already regarded as settled. Mistrust then envelops me like a leaden cloak that wraps itself smoothly around my body and slowly presses me down to the ground—where, apparently, I belong.
Was that comment this morning really meant kindly? The emphasis was a bit too ironic, the accompanying look just a little too mocking. Is it possible that everything this person has ever said to me and about me wasn’t meant seriously at all? Is there any proof that we actually get along well? He’s probably just making a fool of me. Because in the end he’s just like everyone else. And I have no choice but to see through him before it’s too late—for whatever that might mean.
Often it’s enough if the other person doesn’t immediately reply to a supposedly totally casual, funny WhatsApp message that is definitely not dripping with self-doubt. No one could have guessed that the spontaneous-sounding remark had been painstakingly crafted over hours in a specially opened word-processing document and adorned with the perfect mix of emojis, punctuation, and colloquial touches to come across as humanly normal as possible when I finally send it at the optimally calculated time. After all, not everyone is such a complete psychopath as I am.
Then I suddenly find myself back on the same roller coaster as thousands of times before, with the familiar loops of thought that I keep trying to break—of course without success. Because in every mental decision I stubbornly take the same directions I have always chosen. As if I had learned absolutely nothing since the last collapse. And that, even though I had sworn to myself that next time everything would be better—or at least different.
So once again I rattle through all the stations of inner turmoil in my little, rusty cart of questionable metaphors and at the end of the ride arrive at the one single true realization I have always arrived at: that I am not worth it—whatever it is that happens to matter to me at that moment.
I am not worth having friends. I am not worth experiencing love. I am not worth being attractive. I am not worth being taken seriously. I am not worth being successful. I am not worth being an equal. I am not worth being allowed to be happy. Everyone else is worthy—just not me.
But I should have known that from the start. Why had I even bothered to build up hopes in the form of this fragile house of cards when it was obvious that the slightest gust of wind would make everything collapse again? I could really have spared myself the effort. How foolish. If you won’t listen, you have to feel. Your own fault.
These extreme mood swings always come when I need them least. When I had finally made peace with myself, when I had found myself again, when the world wasn’t actually so bad. But no such luck. The world was bad. Really bad. It had conspired against the one person who simply wanted to find happiness. And that person was me.
Of course, it went without saying that I myself was responsible for the misery I had just thought myself into. As always, it was the others who were to blame. After all, I only wanted the best for myself, for them, for everyone. Didn’t they sense that? Didn’t they know that? Maybe I should have tried a little harder to convince them of my deeply good intentions…
Once I’ve hit the ground, I’m left with only two options: to remain there and come to terms with the bitter truth that I’m simply a bad person, or to reach upward again in the hope of somehow finding a way to change my fate carved in stone—however that might be possible.
Sometimes all it takes is a single instant, a moment, the tiniest thought—and suddenly I’m falling again. Perhaps it’s impossible to defend myself against these external and internal influences. Perhaps they always hit me, and with such force that I no longer know which way is up or down. Like an enemy who knows me inside and out and always aims precisely at the most exposed weak spot. Which makes sense. Because that enemy is me—and no one else.
And yet perhaps I can set up mental safety nets in advance that will catch me when these mood swings take aim at me again. A bag full of good, safe thoughts that protect me from falling back into the familiar abyss. Comforting truths that remain valid even when everything else has fallen victim to despair. And a solid basic trust in myself—that despite my psychological shortcomings, I have worth. As a person. As a friend. And as someone whose love for themselves will, hopefully, overcome even the greatest fears.